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My first marriage collapsed under the strain of piled-up resentment. My first husband and I
never learned how to make peace. We kept peace very well. We laughed, had sex, and managed our public image while the conflict simmered, unattended, just beneath the surface of our interactions. Instead of making peace through biblical resolution, we avoided the hard conversations, hard emotions, hard work, and unfortunately, hard truth. Our unresolved issues were packed away while we moved forward, covered in ashes of our slowly eroding marriage. Perhaps the greater offense to our marriage was not his adultery, but our dishonesty.
A 2011 study published in the Journal of Family Issues found that conflict remains relatively the same over the course of a marriage. In other words, the level of conflict you experience today is likely indicative of the level of conflict you will experience 5, 10, even 20 years from now. That’s great news for low-conflict couples, or those who
know how to resolve conflict, but what about the rest? What about the couples who find it difficult to resolve minor disagreements, much less overcome major blow-ups? What about those couples whose conflictual interactions have enough of an edge to them that others become uncomfortable?
The bible says we are peculiar people (1 Peter 2:9); perfect in Christ, yet being made perfect by the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. In right standing with God through Jesus Christ, yet fighting against our sinful inclinations until we see Him face to face. Therefore, until we do, conflict is inevitable. And the resolution of conflict is important to our Heavenly Father. Matthew writes:
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Emphasis mine)
(Matthew 5:23-24)
God always deals with the root of things; uncovering and addressing the issues lodged in our heart. Outward expressions of obedience are not solutions to friction in God’s family. His command to us is to do the hard work of getting it right, talking it out, making peace, resolving conflict. Then we can freely offer our gifts to Him. This is especially important in marriage.
There is a disruption of peace in my heart when Jonathan and I are in conflict. I hate it. I hate the distance, the battle between the desire to be close again and the desire to be right. Sometimes, when conflict happens, I am tempted to return to old patterns of behavior which provide relief from the friction without providing conclusion to the conflict. But I’ve been down that road before, and it’s a trip I never intend to take again.
In order to curb those destructive patterns, I had to learn how to do conflict well; how to make the conflict serve us rather than destroy my marriage. I want to give you 5 tips to help you do the same:
1 Corinthians 1:10 "I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." Realize that your interests are aligned. You and your spouse are on the same team. If wifey wins, hubby wins. If hubby wins, wifey wins. When you both win, your family wins. Save your hostility for your true enemy, not your teammate.
James 1:19 "Remember this my dear brothers: Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." It is easy to let the first words that enter your thoughts fly out your mouth, when emotions are high, no matter how hurtful they may be. Give yourself permission to pause. Take a moment so that you can respond to what’s being said, rather than react to how what was said made you feel. And speak your intentions, not your anger.
Proverbs 18:2 "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." Decide upfront if you want to be effective or if you want to be right. You will never get to the issue if your interests lay in proving your point. Practice active listening; listen with an intent to understand. Ask thoughtful questions that will move the conversation towards resolution. Gain clarity on the words your spouse is speaking as well as the intention behind what is being said. Slow down and get a bead on how they are feeling.
Isaiah 43:25 "I am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins." When we repent for our sins, we are forgiven completely. When we come back and repent for that same sin, God forgives us again, without dredging up the past. Isaiah 38:17 (b) reminds us that God casts all of our sins behind His back. When you and your spouse are embroiled in conflict, resist the urge to dredge up the past. Stay focused on the issue at hand. If you have something from the past you wish to address, do that at a different time.
Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." You and your spouse belong to God and He has invested Himself in your marriage. If you find yourselves at an impasse, back down. Take a time out and pray. Pride and impatience are oxygen to conflict. Smother the flames of conflict by remembering you are not in this alone. Turn to God and ask Him for help.
Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to resolving conflict, yet, these
principles, along with others, helped me grow in peacemaking; not perfectly, but persistently.
Don't run from the inevitable. Embrace conflict when it occurs. Lean into it and lean on the Lord while you’re in it. Taking the opportunity to overcome this challenge can improve your relationship in unexpected ways. For example,
Conflict uncovers and reveals. When conflict arises between me and Jonathan, we look for what the conflict might be revealing about needed changes in our marriage.
Conflict can lead to honest conversation. I remember once Jonathan did something I felt some kind of way about. I employed all of my conflict resolution skills and had a conversation with him. He talked about a situation causing him a great deal of stress which caused him to overreact to something I mentioned in passing. We were able to talk through the situation, his feelings, how to better handle stress, and my feelings at being a proxy for frustration.
We must put on humility to bring conflict to an end. Pride is a promoter of confidence. Proverbs 13:10 reminds us, “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” “I” is smack dab in the middle of pride, and not just the word. Pride is all about the elevation of self above every and anything else. A person caught in the grip of pride cannot admit wrong, will not easily extend grace, and has little interest in anything that will not serve his or her ego. All of these are attitudes which feed conflict. Humility, however, is an attitude that looks to the needs of others, not in lieu of self, but before looking to your own needs. Humility sees the other person as being as important as yourself. Humility blesses every aspect of our marriage.
Conflict resolution helps us sharpen our ability to listen and discern what is important. To resolve conflict, we have to cut through the minutia to get to the heart of the matter or we run the risk of coming to a standstill in our efforts to make peace.
Finally, conflict can inspire growth and creativity. Conflict opens us up to the possibility that ours is not the correct, much less the only, perspective. Different viewpoints require innovative thinking to stay united in our marriages.
The next time conflict arises in your marriage, rather than run away from it, remember it is a tool that, when used properly, is useful for making a bad relationship good, a good relationship great, and a great relationship better.
Your turn: What “good” has conflict brought to your marriage? What have you relied on to help you successfully resolve conflict.
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