What Your (Step)Kids Want You To Know, But Won’t Tell You

That underlying, constant tension which lies between your reality and what you expected when you and Bae came together is what is causing you to feel like your family is in a cycle you cannot break out of. Most, if not all, of that tension has to do with every one’s perspective of their step-“insert relationship here”. 

In the early years of our family, we both got tired of dealing with dashed hopes that an upcoming family function would be stress-free only to spend much of the time gulping down reactions to micro-aggressive comments and sidestepping emotional landmines. Even after everyone has relaxed into their “now-normal”, there remain moments, like weddings, graduations, baby showers, etc., which seek to destroy our peace of mind with constant reminders of our complex family life.

But, you know, our perspective is often devoid of full-picture input. We judge ourselves based on our intentions, what we meant. We judge others based on their impact, the mark they left. What a misunderstanding in the making! Only WE know what we mean. Others know only how our actions make them feel.

In the interest of releasing some that tension, helping you extend grace to your step-kids, and hear the intention behind the, sometimes clumsy, attempts at making life in-step work, we’ve compiled a short list of what your step-kids want you to know but probably won’t tell you, at least not for a few years.

Before we get started, let’s preamble the discussion with this disclosure - don’t take anything personal. The less than desirable feelings your stepchild may harbor are more about your position than they are about you. Especially when the family is just beginning its journey. 

One More Disclaimer:  The list below is neither exhaustive nor is it specific. These are but a few commonly held feelings expressed generally by some stepchildren.  Understanding these may not speak to your specific need right now but it could speak to a future need or help you help you another family.

I COMPARE YOU

Especially if I’m a moody teen. I will compare you to my bio mom and dad in everything; cooking, dancing, the way you dress, look, and talk. I will even compare your ethics. I will wonder why my dad or mom is with you and not my “real” parent. If you get along with my grandma I will wonder if grandma ever loved my other parent. I will nitpick, looking for anything in which you cannot measure up to my mom or dad. I need to find fault with you because, ultimately, the real fear I struggle with is whether or not the parent married to you loves you more than they love me.

I APPRECIATE YOU Even though I will compare you, I do appreciate you. I like that you try. I am encouraged by your consistency. I am grateful that you care. All the little things you do for and with me have created a greater sense of stability. I will be forever grateful for that. Please don't stop trying.

I RESENT YOU Sometimes it feels like I have to go through you to get to my bio-parent. I’m offended when I go to them for help and they talk to you before making a decision. I hate feeling like I have to compete for their attention. Be patient with me. I won’t really understand the concept of you two being “one” until I am married myself. Even then, I may still act like a brat from time to time. I’ll need gentle help remembering you and my parent are a team that needs to work together and that you both want what is best for me.

I WANT TO LIKE YOU I don’t like tension any more than you do. You are important to my parent. You love them. You make them happy. I like that. I want to get along with you. However, looming behind my “want to” is the feeling that I’m betraying my other parent by liking you. Especially if that parent is happier when I don’t get along with you. It’s going to take time and maturity, on everyone’s part, for me to understand I can enjoy and love all my parents.

I LEARN FROM YOU And the younger I am when you marry my parent, the more influence you have on who I become. I watch you. I pick up your habits, your moods, how you interact with people. I may not always listen to what you say but I see everything you do. Don’t be surprised when one day I’m calling you for advice, repeating things you’ve said to me, or doing something in the exact way you do.

YOU SCARE ME As wonderful as you are, you remind me that dreams die. I harbored this secret longing my parents would somehow get back together. It would make life so much easier for me (remember I’m still pretty self-focused). Your presence is a constant reminder that my world can fracture and not recover in the way in which I want. That scares me.

I WANT YOUR AFFECTION I repeat. I want to like you. Guess what? I want you to like me more. Surprise! I take note of the easy affection between you and your bio kids. You and my parent. I want to be part of that. No matter how prickly I get, I want to be unconditionally accepted, appreciated, loved, and celebrated by all of the parental figures in my life. You are one of them.

NOT TOO CLOSE But don’t come too close. At least not until I give you the “go ahead” signal. But I won’t tell you when I have. I mean you’re not my parent, really! Even though you’re like a parent. I just get nervous in the moments you feel closer to me than my bio-parent. Yet, I want you close. So, don’t come too close, unless, that is, I say I want you closer. Just don’t get angry when I need to push you away… look, I know I’m confusing you. Heck, I confuse me!

YOU MATTER Your role in my life is important. You open up my world to new experiences and adventures. Because of you, I will read books I never would have. Because of you, I will visit places and do things I never would have. I will think thoughts and have conversations that would not have occurred if you were not my stepparent. My life is fuller because you’re in it. I know it can feel like you’re an “also-ran” on the perimeters of my world. Keep in mind, the best supporting actors get an Oscar too. 

WE’RE FAMILY

You've taught me a very important lesson. Family is more than just people related by “blood”. It’s a group of people doing life together, taking care of each other, being there for each other. That’s us. I care about you. I don’t necessarily like the events that preceded you coming into my life but now that you’re here I couldn’t see my life without you. You're the "no pressure" parent. The one it can be easy to be with. We’re forging something special, creating memories, bonding. That makes us family.

That’s our list. What are some “not so secret” secret feelings you have noticed your children express? How have you been able to work your way through the more negative behavior you’ve experienced?

And, if this blog has blessed you, share with other couples leading stepfamilies in your circle.